Whats my why??

Lately I’ve been questioning where my life is going.  What am I doing this for? Do I enjoy what I’m doing? Is this as good as its really going to get?

When I was a youth I had so many visions and dreams of what I wanted to be.  They varied and ranged and chopped and changed monthly.  One moment I wanted to be an artist and live at the beach, even racked up a 10K student loan on an art course that I dropped out of a month into.  A dancer, that was a big one in my imagination. Key word “imagination”.  A lawyer, a film producer, a make up artist, a stylist, a clothes designer, a social worker, a writer (that one is still a big one)…………honestly the list went on and on and on.  And still at 37 I feel a bit lost.

Have you been crying much? Have I WHAT!

24 weeks and 2 days

 

One of the worst symptons I have had with my pregnancy is emotions.  For the first 3 months I cried every night, mainly about things my partner did, said, showed, didnt do, behaved whatever he did, it upset me to the high heavens. 

 

When I tell other woman ‘Im crying a lot” they say, “Oh yes I did too, the little roly dog on the tv used to make me cry” and I think No, not that kind of cry.  I mean in my room, on my own, sobbing,completely wrecked and hopeless and utterly depressed not finding a way out of my misery, that kind of crying!  It has been awful.  As the months roll on the crying has eased off but I have definitely had the odd moment.  The most scary thing for me is I have found, I cant stand up for myself anymore. 

 

Before I was pregnant, I had guts, I had a voice, I could articulate clearly what I wanted, what I needed.  People used to come to me from all over the place asking for advice because they and I felt I had a level head and could see problems quite clearly and from both sides of the fence.

 

Now, I cant see out of a problem at all.  I find myself getting so dark on the issue and not being able to communicate clearly and feeling all muddled up inside that it frustrates me so badly the only reaction I know how to do, is cry.  And it makes me feel weak and pathetic.  This has been terrifying for me and I feel like my partner thinks that this is the new me when I know, its not. I try and think of how the old me would of dealt with things and I cant remember anymore.  I

 

m scared that the old confident me wont return, that shes gone forever.  As I look at old photos of myself I think look at her! She travelled the world and had a billion friends and a strong powerful voice and now shes in a dark room crying on her own about problems she doesnt know how to resolve.

 

I really really hope this is the part where people talk about ‘hormones taking over’.  Because if its not, Im pretty scared right now.